It seems I always have so many ideas rolling around in my head, (awesome ideas, mind you) without the real motivation to accomplish them. This really irritates me about myself and I really don't know where I inherited this trait. My mom, she's a doer. Even if she procrastinates, she still gets the job done, and done well. Although, she does leave some projects at the wayside (the green afghan for Ryan she never finished but kept lying around for years and years [do you still have that thing mom?]) but really for the most part, of thought of my mom as one who gets things done. Honestly, I think both of my parents and my brother have far more ambition than I do. I'm hoping I'm just being overly critical of myself... hoping.
I want to do so much more. I feel like I'm being called to so much more. I don't believe that where I am is where I should be. I don't mean location wise, although I hope that part of my life does change soon, I am talking about in my overall participation in this game of life. I know that God has given me much. He has given me many talents, many great qualities, and a wonderful family. Yet I just feel stuck in a rut. There is a lot holding me back and I'm trying to figure out why. It's probably because of my spiritual walk... or hibernation is probably the better word. It's one of those things I kind of drift in and out of. I think that can be said for many Christians, but I don't want to be one of them. I do find it difficult though. I especially have a hard time when things get really tough, like they are right now, keeping faith and trusting that God will carry me through. He always does... I mean, I may not have the lifestyle I want, but I can't say that I've ever been out on the street. Even though we have had major struggles financially, we've been blessed with family who has been there to help us through it. I can't tell you the number of times I have considered where we would be if we didn't have that support system in our lives. It's a scary thing to consider.
Anyway, I'm not trying to be depressing. I'm just being reflective and really I guess just reaching out for encouragement. I feel like I could really use it right now. It's hard to be push through a depressing area of your life when you really can't see even a pinpoint of light at the end of that tunnel. That's really where I feel I am at right now, just completely lost in darkness. I'm praying, I'm listening to encouraging sermons on podcasts, I'm meditating on scripture, I'm trying so hard to trust in the Lord with all my heart. But it is hard. Why is it so hard? I really do hate having to remind myself that God uses these times in our life to teach us, to grow us...
sigh... this was actually meant to be a positive post, but I guess it had a mind of it's own :) well I better go. Just felt good to get that out. Love to all.