July 10, 2008


It seems I always have so many ideas rolling around in my head, (awesome ideas, mind you) without the real motivation to accomplish them. This really irritates me about myself and I really don't know where I inherited this trait. My mom, she's a doer. Even if she procrastinates, she still gets the job done, and done well. Although, she does leave some projects at the wayside (the green afghan for Ryan she never finished but kept lying around for years and years [do you still have that thing mom?]) but really for the most part, of thought of my mom as one who gets things done. Honestly, I think both of my parents and my brother have far more ambition than I do. I'm hoping I'm just being overly critical of myself... hoping.

I want to do so much more. I feel like I'm being called to so much more. I don't believe that where I am is where I should be. I don't mean location wise, although I hope that part of my life does change soon, I am talking about in my overall participation in this game of life. I know that God has given me much. He has given me many talents, many great qualities, and a wonderful family. Yet I just feel stuck in a rut. There is a lot holding me back and I'm trying to figure out why. It's probably because of my spiritual walk... or hibernation is probably the better word. It's one of those things I kind of drift in and out of. I think that can be said for many Christians, but I don't want to be one of them. I do find it difficult though. I especially have a hard time when things get really tough, like they are right now, keeping faith and trusting that God will carry me through. He always does... I mean, I may not have the lifestyle I want, but I can't say that I've ever been out on the street. Even though we have had major struggles financially, we've been blessed with family who has been there to help us through it. I can't tell you the number of times I have considered where we would be if we didn't have that support system in our lives. It's a scary thing to consider.

Anyway, I'm not trying to be depressing. I'm just being reflective and really I guess just reaching out for encouragement. I feel like I could really use it right now. It's hard to be push through a depressing area of your life when you really can't see even a pinpoint of light at the end of that tunnel. That's really where I feel I am at right now, just completely lost in darkness. I'm praying, I'm listening to encouraging sermons on podcasts, I'm meditating on scripture, I'm trying so hard to trust in the Lord with all my heart. But it is hard. Why is it so hard? I really do hate having to remind myself that God uses these times in our life to teach us, to grow us...

sigh... this was actually meant to be a positive post, but I guess it had a mind of it's own :) well I better go. Just felt good to get that out. Love to all.


  1. the mom who loves youJuly 10, 2008 at 1:57 PM

    Wow, Ash. Your hormones are going crazy! Been there.

    I must say I was surprised to read that you think you're not a "doer." I've been so impressed (and envious) of your creativity and your amazing scrapbook designs.
    And I can't even imagine the energy it must take to deal with a child with autism, as wonderful as she is.

    Here's the thing; recognizing that you need to do something about your situation is the first step. The next step is to do one small thing toward improving it. With each tiny step, it gets easier (and better). You have the knowledge in your head, you just need to get it in your heart.

    That said, you have many people who love you and who want very much for you to be happy. Lean on them when you need to. Mostly, lean on Him.

    "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5).

    I love you!


  2. I love the way you express your thoughts.

    So many thoughts, ideas, wants, needs, etc. What do you do? What is going to make the most sense, the biggest impact, be the most satisfying? I remember when you and Ryan were small and all I could think of is am I going to make enough money, am I spending enough time with them, does your mom know that I love her?

    I believe with all my heart you will make the right decision because of your family. Pray about it of course and be open to where God leads you. Remember God is not the author of confusion.

    Love you!


  3. Yes! To your mother listen!

    Seriously, I read your post, and thought, "Are you kidding me?" You are so incredibly creative, sensitive, smart, loving, pretty, and good-hearted -- how can you possibly wonder about your worth or purpose? Have you ever read "The Purpose-Driven Life?" It's pretty thought provoking.

    The bottom line is that you have a very solid foundation. Your mom is right on when she says to take small steps. I use that concept in my strategic planning and leadership development workshops -- small success build confidence, open opportunities, and alert others to your presence.

    I am not sure any of us have just one purpose. To me, it's a matter of seizing any opportunity to make a difference for someone, whether it's a daughter, husband, co-worker, neighbor, or stranger. Who you are is your contribution. Just be you. That sounds pretty sappy, but I think it's really that simple. We over-complicate things sometimes, and Christians can be the worst at that, pondering too much what God wants from us. If he wants something specific badly enough from us, he'll let us know, and then he'll equip us. In the meantime, we can only be who he made us to be!

    I love you!

    Uncle Pat

  4. did I ever mention how much I love my family :)

    Really, you guys, thank you. I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear those words. It really helps. I love you all so much.

  5. you know. i think everyone has thought that. i know i think it all the time. am i doing what i should be doing? am i making the most of my time?

    like what was already said the key is small steps. of course having an end goal is mind is great, but unless you have small steps you can take to get there it can seem overwhelming.

    oh and you blow me away with your graphic design. i still think you should go for that again. seriously.


    thats an awesome spring board for inspiration.

    the end.


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