November 19, 2007

Well Whatev!

So my blog is depressing? LOL Whatever. Look, this is me being happy, k? I mean, this is about real life. Real life is NOT happy all the time. The point is that everything in life serves a purpose. Things happen for a reason. So it may not always be uplifting but my goal is to find happiness in the little things despite the stuff that brings you down. I thought I was getting that message through, but maybe I'm not.

So I'll try to be more happy, and I'll try to make more of an effort to blog about the warm fuzzies... but I won't be untrue to myself :) And hey, I don't hold back the bad stuff. I believe in sharing the bad along with the good. I believe that the bad teaches us and makes us stronger, better people. I believe that women, wives, mothers, friends deserve to know that they are not alone in what they are feeling. The broken are out there, and I am one of them, but I'm determined to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep pressing on, one day at a time, toward a better me!

I struggle with depression, I've been through hell in my marriage, I admit to being lazy, I'm a terrible procrastinator... BUT I am also a good friend, I love with all my heart, I'm passionate, I'm creative, I get along with almost everyone! I'm a great person, and I love to have fun. So laugh all you want! Poke fun at how my blog is supposed to be about happiness but appears to bring up a lot of depressing junk... I don't care! :) This is who I am and I'm okay with that!

But really, I will TRY to be more happy. The negative stuff will still be there, cause that's life... but more happy. I promise ;)

Thanks for the critique.


November 17, 2007

A Tragic Dinner

So we were at Red Lobster tonight and the waitress brings our drinks. Mike, Abby, and I had water, the girls had Shirley Temple's and Eric had a Coke. The waitress is setting all our drinks set down and when she sets down Jenna's Shirley Temple, she drops Eric's Coke all over my poor Jenna. I mean, all over her back, her hair, in her seat, it was everywhere. Jenna was so embarrassed and I felt so bad for her. I knew she was gonna cry and I was fighting tears myself because when Jenna cries, I really feel her pain. She is so much like me and I can see in her eyes exactly how she feels.

So she's sobbing into my shoulder and I was just bent down rubbing her back and consoling her. The waitress felt so bad. Then Jenna mentioned to me that she didn't get to eat her cherry which made Abby start laughing. I mentioned this to the waitress and she brought a little bowl of maraschino cherries for Jenna. Jenna was so sweet she immediately started sharing them with Marah. It was very cute.

So Jenna took a bath as soon as she got home and she feels much better now. We are going to watch Ratatouille tonight as soon as Marah is done with her bath. Abby is bathing her right now.

Abby spent the day with me today and helped clean up the apartment and even rearrange the furniture. It looks nice in here right now and I'm anxious to finish up with the cleaning so that we can put our Christmas stuff out next weekend.

I don't really have a whole lot to blog about right now. I'm tired and have a headache because of my tooth getting pulled yesterday. Yep, another one down! One more to go. I can't stand my dentist really so I can't wait til this is all done.

I gotta work tomorrow which I'm not looking forward to. But at least it's a four day work week and I get paid for Thanksgiving day which is nice.

Be happy!

November 12, 2007


So this is what I woke up to this morning at 6 am. I can hear Jenna screaming and calling for help and I admit, I took my time. I know that sounds terrible and part of me feels guilty cause I suppose it could have been really serious but I am used to her dramatics and pretty much figured she couldn't find any toilet paper or something else that was just as trite.

So I got up, put some pants on and walked outside my door to find Jenna (Marah at her side looking up at her with concern), holding a white towel with little red spots all over it up to her face. Jenna is freaking out and I immediately go into a frenzy and pull the towel away and grab some TP and hold it to her face. She is trying to hold her head back and I am trying to get her to hold her head normal.

The kid can't calmly have a bloody nose. I mean seriously it was like she had been shot in the face the way she was carrying on, and at 6 in the morning no less. I was so tired I couldn't stand it, and I've been sick for 5 days now and I just was not feeling great this morning. I made Eric take them too daycare today. That was a nice break. I need to thank him for that.

I have been thinking this morning, and well really quite a bit lately, about how much I appreciate Eric and I feel bad that I don't tell him that enough. Sometimes I get angry with him about work. Sometimes I feel like he misses work when he doesn't need to but then later when I really think about it I feel bad for feeing that way because I'm not him, and I think by this point I should at least be able to trust him on this. I mean, after 8 years of being married I should know that he's not going to just miss work without a good reason and yet I constantly am second guessing him.

Maybe it's cause I know that I lied about being sick to get out of school as a kid. Maybe it's because my mom never believed me (not that I don't understand why) when I said I was sick and couldn't go to school. I don't know, but I just always think he's faking it. Of course, he is a man so he's a major baby about some things that I just want to say "Suck it up and get over it already" to him... and sometimes I do. Really though, I think by now he has proven that he CAN hold down a job and he CAN be responsible. Sure, he's not perfect, but I believe that he tries, and I know that sometimes he goes to work when he really is miserable and so I need to remember that when it comes to work, Eric really has grown up a lot from when we first started dating.

Sometimes it's hard to forget the past and not let it affect the way you feel in the present. It's really something I struggle with everyday, but each day God presents new ways for me to learn forgiveness and I know that I have made significant growth in that part of myself.

So this blog started with a bloody nose and ends with a lesson in forgiveness... how deliciously random. I was just reminded though of a quote from the movie "Evan Almighty", which, for all it's weird faults and misrepresentations had a really cool message. So I leave you with this, because it really resonated with me.

"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"

Be happy!

November 5, 2007

The Sickies

They're going around the house. First it hit Marah, the poor baby. She was so oozy and feverish she stayed home from daycare almost all last week. She seriously had the biggest, hugest eye boogies I have ever seen in my life. It was so nasty! I thought for sure she'd end up with pink eye but she didn't.

Then on Sunday Jenna got sick. She had a fever and cough with sore throat and was just miserable. She was so pathetic last night when I got home from work. She told me she was very sick. "My head hurts and my froat hurts and I'n coughing and I have a runny nose. And also my leg hurts and my finger has an owie and my tummy hurts." Pretty serious. The poor girl. She went to bed with a cool wet washcloth on her head and slept very well. She did make it to school today after a dose of ibuprofen and triaminic.

Eric has been sick as well with stomach pains. So two weeks ago he got a mild concussion on the job and had to stay home the next day. Then last week he had to miss a couple of days due to Marah staying home. Today he woke up with awful pain in his stomach and had to miss work again. So it looks like money is going to be tight this month. I worry about him. He started on prednisone again this month. This is a steroid to reduce inflamation in his stomach and bowels and is only prescribed when things get pretty bad. He does have a stricture in his bowels and so there has been talk about surgery which is never a good thing to think about. I know he's been miserable lately. It really is tough on the whole family. It makes me angry when he's sick and even though I know it's not his fault I can't help but feel bitter toward him sometimes. Then I feel awful for feeling that way. I just hate it when this disease gets in the way of our life.

I am worried that my gums may be infected where the tooth was removed. If it doesn't look better tomorrow I'm going to call the dentist for an antibiotic. Last night I drooled blood all over my pillow!

Work has been okay the past couple of days. I've started to feel more comfortable with the job so that's good.

So I haven't had time to do layouts for a couple of months now and when I try to do one I just have major creative block so I decided to purchase some premade pages yesterday and I'm so glad I did. These pages are cute and my style and I just put the photos in and I have three new pages in under an hour so I'm happy. I love the creative process of doing it myself of course, but sometimes you just need to get some pages done and that's what I did so I'm okay with that. Here are the finished pages:

So far so good on the regularly blogging huh?! And now it's 10:35 so I'm going to bed to do something good for myself.

Be happy!

November 3, 2007

Awful stuff

That vicodin is awful stuff. The worst pain reliever I've ever experienced. I took it last night and was feeling decent, woozy, but no pain. Then I took another one before I went to bed and I was up all night. I probably slept for an hour total all night... maybe 2. Anyway, it made me itch like crazy! Apparently vicodin releases histimine in your body which can make you itchy and give you hives.

I couldn't stop itching! Plus it made me tired but unable to sleep. I was on edge all night. So I have slept most of the day today. I stopped taking the stuff and have just been using Ibuprofen instead and it's been just fine. My gums are a bit swolen but not too bad and the ice packs help.

I've been starting to become worried about how well I'm going to be able to chew once I lose three teeth. I try not to think about it though, no use in worrying right?

It's my friend Landon's birthday tomorrow (and my mom's too!) so we're going out tonight. I have to go shower and get ready so this is all I have time for today. Just wanted to update you.

Oh before I go, wanna know how sweet my Jenna girl is? Yesterday I rearranged the girls bedroom so that the beds were away from the heaters and hung up my old Snow White movie poster in their room. Today I was getting Marah up from her nap and Jenna comes in and says "Thank you so much for hanging up that Snow White picture, Mom. That was very nice for you to do that. You are such a nice mom. I love you."

Love those moments.

Be happy :)

November 2, 2007

A Rebirth of Sorts

I've had a lot on my mind lately and I have begun to realize that I'm losing myself again. Who am I? Such a profound question, I know... and I'm not meaning to be cliche, but I really can feel the old "me" slipping away. Really sometimes I think it's okay, and I suppose it is in some ways. I mean, we don't want to go through life unchanged, but at the same time I don't want to lose sight of what I am truly about!

So I've made up my mind, it's time for me to make a change. To embrace the parts of myself I have neglected for so long and evaluate my priorities. Sometimes I think that since becoming a wife and mother I have given up on who I was. Like I said, I know this is cliche (and I know it's cliche to say "this is cliche"- Pam Beesley, The Office) but regardless I'm going forward with this new philosophy, hoping that I can make significant changes that will make me happier and in turn push me toward becoming a better mom and wife and friend.

So the first part of making changes is to detach myself from as much negativity as I can. There are even some things that don't seem negative at first glance but as I think about it I realize that there is so much about it that brings me down. Besides trimming away the negative I am going to start making small changes for the positive. I've been making a mental list of little things I can do to make my life happier, things that I am in control of. So some of these ideas include regularly blogging without stressing about it, adding some more color and personality to my home, doing more little crafty things (I have some fun ideas for this), reading more books, going to bed by 10:30 on work nights. All simple things, totally doable.

There are parts of my life that I need to leave behind as well. Things that have served a purpose in my life but that now are distracting and bringing me more stress than happiness. I have been feeling nudged, I believe, by God to let some things go. I don't plan to go into detail, but just know that I am really working to make positive changes that will make me and my family happier and that is all that matters.


So, now that I've gotten that out of the way... Today I went to the dentist. It was my first dental appointment in almost 10 years, so it was a huge step in the right direction for me. I am trying to take better care of myself and to stop being such a terrible procrastinator as well. Anyway, so I drove up to see the dentist and I knew I was in trouble with my whole teeth situation. See, when I was pregnant with Jenna (yeah, 7 years ago), one of my fillings came out. Now, at the time I was dirt broke and couldn't afford to see a dentist. So I just dealt with it. I think a couple years later another filling came out and then at some point, a third filling came out though I think it was in my sleep so I don't know when it came out exactly. All these teeth are molars and they are all the second to the last tooth in my mouth. So top, bottom, left and right. My whole mouth has been a disaster area for years.

I've known the teeth were decaying and the pain has come and gone and come again and so I've learned to deal with it, knowing it will end in a week or two. Two of these molars have been chipping and breaking, one is half gone. The two on my right side are so decayed that the gum inside the tooth will sometimes bleed and I know that the food that gets stuck in there gives me bad breath. I know this is gross and so attractive, but this is the real stuff here and I'm just telling it like it is.

So, today I go to the dentist, got the lecture I was expecting out of the way, and then the dentist proceeds to ask me if I want to do root canals and crowns on these three teeth or have them pulled out. He said that if he starts to drill into the decay and hits the nerve then it will need a root canal or extraction and that he is pretty sure that will be the case but won't know for sure until he starts to drill. Anyway, the first option would cost $1,100 per tooth and after the insurance coverage I'd be left with a $1,000 bill (this isn't even counting the cavities I need filled). To extract the teeth I only have to pay out of pocket $23 per tooth. So I told him to pull them out. I mean, if they were in the front I'd happily shell out the thousand bucks but they're in the back so... I'm just gonna deal with it.

He pulled the first one today. The teeth are all pretty fragile (as evidenced by all the chipping and breaking) so I wasn't surprised when the tooth he was pulling out broke off at the root and he ended up having to do a surgical extraction requiring more cutting and drilling. So I have a gaping hole in the back of my mouth and it does hurt quite badly right now, but now that the bleeding has stopped it's not as gross. I have some Tylenol with codeine and I've been feeling pretty good with that. It made me dizzy but as long as I sit still I'm fine.

I have five more appointments to go so by the end of this year I think my mouth will be healthy and I won't have any more toothaches, headaches and maybe I'll be less self concious about my breath. Also this gives my wisdom teeth room to move in and so I'm hoping that might help to close up some of the gapping back there.


You still with me? Okay so... what else? I have a few pictures to share of fall/Halloween stuff. We took the girls to the pumpkin patch this year, it was the first year we had done it and I will definitely plan to make it part of our fall outings in the years to come!

then Jenna insisted on doing a potato sack race and so Marah had to play too...

But Marah didn't know how to keep her bag up!

The pumpkins the girls chose

And the results of the carving

For Halloween this year Jenna had decided to be a wicked witch. It took me FOREVER to find a witch costume that wasn't cutesy and finally discovered a $10 witch dress with barely attached orange tulle and a sequin collar that I cut off. It was the first year she wanted to be scary (but not too scary she told me) and she wasn't scared of any of the gruesome costumes either! I decided to have Marah be Dorothy so their costumes went together and the only thing I had to buy for Marah were the glittery shoes which she now insists on wearing everywhere so I think I'll get my $8 worth on that investment! The two of them were so cute together, and even though Marah was sick all week this week she still was able to trick-or-treat by going to the city's "Treat Street" which was held at a local indoor stadium and provided a TON of candy in a pretty enjoyable setting once we got through the line. Here's a shot of the girls before we left.

and a sweet close up of my baby

Okay well I'm gonna go take another pain pill and go to bed.

Be Happy :)