November 2, 2007

A Rebirth of Sorts

I've had a lot on my mind lately and I have begun to realize that I'm losing myself again. Who am I? Such a profound question, I know... and I'm not meaning to be cliche, but I really can feel the old "me" slipping away. Really sometimes I think it's okay, and I suppose it is in some ways. I mean, we don't want to go through life unchanged, but at the same time I don't want to lose sight of what I am truly about!

So I've made up my mind, it's time for me to make a change. To embrace the parts of myself I have neglected for so long and evaluate my priorities. Sometimes I think that since becoming a wife and mother I have given up on who I was. Like I said, I know this is cliche (and I know it's cliche to say "this is cliche"- Pam Beesley, The Office) but regardless I'm going forward with this new philosophy, hoping that I can make significant changes that will make me happier and in turn push me toward becoming a better mom and wife and friend.

So the first part of making changes is to detach myself from as much negativity as I can. There are even some things that don't seem negative at first glance but as I think about it I realize that there is so much about it that brings me down. Besides trimming away the negative I am going to start making small changes for the positive. I've been making a mental list of little things I can do to make my life happier, things that I am in control of. So some of these ideas include regularly blogging without stressing about it, adding some more color and personality to my home, doing more little crafty things (I have some fun ideas for this), reading more books, going to bed by 10:30 on work nights. All simple things, totally doable.

There are parts of my life that I need to leave behind as well. Things that have served a purpose in my life but that now are distracting and bringing me more stress than happiness. I have been feeling nudged, I believe, by God to let some things go. I don't plan to go into detail, but just know that I am really working to make positive changes that will make me and my family happier and that is all that matters.


So, now that I've gotten that out of the way... Today I went to the dentist. It was my first dental appointment in almost 10 years, so it was a huge step in the right direction for me. I am trying to take better care of myself and to stop being such a terrible procrastinator as well. Anyway, so I drove up to see the dentist and I knew I was in trouble with my whole teeth situation. See, when I was pregnant with Jenna (yeah, 7 years ago), one of my fillings came out. Now, at the time I was dirt broke and couldn't afford to see a dentist. So I just dealt with it. I think a couple years later another filling came out and then at some point, a third filling came out though I think it was in my sleep so I don't know when it came out exactly. All these teeth are molars and they are all the second to the last tooth in my mouth. So top, bottom, left and right. My whole mouth has been a disaster area for years.

I've known the teeth were decaying and the pain has come and gone and come again and so I've learned to deal with it, knowing it will end in a week or two. Two of these molars have been chipping and breaking, one is half gone. The two on my right side are so decayed that the gum inside the tooth will sometimes bleed and I know that the food that gets stuck in there gives me bad breath. I know this is gross and so attractive, but this is the real stuff here and I'm just telling it like it is.

So, today I go to the dentist, got the lecture I was expecting out of the way, and then the dentist proceeds to ask me if I want to do root canals and crowns on these three teeth or have them pulled out. He said that if he starts to drill into the decay and hits the nerve then it will need a root canal or extraction and that he is pretty sure that will be the case but won't know for sure until he starts to drill. Anyway, the first option would cost $1,100 per tooth and after the insurance coverage I'd be left with a $1,000 bill (this isn't even counting the cavities I need filled). To extract the teeth I only have to pay out of pocket $23 per tooth. So I told him to pull them out. I mean, if they were in the front I'd happily shell out the thousand bucks but they're in the back so... I'm just gonna deal with it.

He pulled the first one today. The teeth are all pretty fragile (as evidenced by all the chipping and breaking) so I wasn't surprised when the tooth he was pulling out broke off at the root and he ended up having to do a surgical extraction requiring more cutting and drilling. So I have a gaping hole in the back of my mouth and it does hurt quite badly right now, but now that the bleeding has stopped it's not as gross. I have some Tylenol with codeine and I've been feeling pretty good with that. It made me dizzy but as long as I sit still I'm fine.

I have five more appointments to go so by the end of this year I think my mouth will be healthy and I won't have any more toothaches, headaches and maybe I'll be less self concious about my breath. Also this gives my wisdom teeth room to move in and so I'm hoping that might help to close up some of the gapping back there.


You still with me? Okay so... what else? I have a few pictures to share of fall/Halloween stuff. We took the girls to the pumpkin patch this year, it was the first year we had done it and I will definitely plan to make it part of our fall outings in the years to come!

then Jenna insisted on doing a potato sack race and so Marah had to play too...

But Marah didn't know how to keep her bag up!

The pumpkins the girls chose

And the results of the carving

For Halloween this year Jenna had decided to be a wicked witch. It took me FOREVER to find a witch costume that wasn't cutesy and finally discovered a $10 witch dress with barely attached orange tulle and a sequin collar that I cut off. It was the first year she wanted to be scary (but not too scary she told me) and she wasn't scared of any of the gruesome costumes either! I decided to have Marah be Dorothy so their costumes went together and the only thing I had to buy for Marah were the glittery shoes which she now insists on wearing everywhere so I think I'll get my $8 worth on that investment! The two of them were so cute together, and even though Marah was sick all week this week she still was able to trick-or-treat by going to the city's "Treat Street" which was held at a local indoor stadium and provided a TON of candy in a pretty enjoyable setting once we got through the line. Here's a shot of the girls before we left.

and a sweet close up of my baby

Okay well I'm gonna go take another pain pill and go to bed.

Be Happy :)


  1. Ash, glad you're taking care of yourself! Thanks for the photos! They are beautiful.
    Love you, Mom

  2. Ashley,

    I hadn't seen your new blog! Very nice. Your girls are so beautiful! I hate not knowing them! That's just wrong. I love you!

    Uncle Pat


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